Family Boundaries

 

    Boundaries are a gift for healthy and thriving relationships.  However, when it comes to family it can be difficult to enforce.  Some family may think that the boundaries don't apply to them.  Maybe they just don't care because you are family, so you won't break ties.  Some may feel entitled to direct your life for your entire life.  No reason is good.  You may have to fight harder for your boundaries with family or make harder decisions on how to handle them.

    Do not allow your parent guilt you into things when you are an adult.  It may interfere with the family you are establishing for yourself.  Your parents may have the best intentions and are acting in love, but they are not God.  They maybe not understand the path that God put you on.  It is up to you to not allow them to deter you from that path.  No one else can do for you.

    You are a part of a family, but you are your own separate person too.  That is okay.  That is good.  God has given you the freedom to make your own choices in life without someone else taking over.  If you take ownership of your life, then you will not feel guilty for not living it to other people's standards.  Taking wise counsel is one thing, but allowing someone to direct your life is another.  Act in love not guilt.

    If your family never established boundaries, then it can be difficult to do so as an adult.  It will also be harder for your family to respect your boundaries.  It can lead to co-dependance, domination, insecurity, and other issues.  If you don't establish boundaries with your family, then they will interfere with your other relationships.

    If you don't set clear boundaries with your family, then your spouse could feel less important to you than they should.  Your spouse should know that they come first in priority of relationship (other than God).  You should be able to have your own family without losing the closeness of your childhood family.  If you can't have both, then you need to choose your spouse.

    Parents need to set boundaries with children, so that they get used to hearing the word no.  It is unkind to send them into the world expecting everyone to do things their way.  They need to learn self-discipline and that starts with the parent's healthy discipline.  Give your children the ability to be self-sufficient as an adult.  Teach them how to handle hard situations and difficult relationships.  Children need to find a way not to rely on their parents for their entire life.

    At the same time parents need to grow up.  Do not be the parent that the children have to take care of.  It is a burden that they are too young to handle.  Allow them to be kids.  It is only a small window of time.  Even when your children are adults do not force them to handle your problems.  There is helping and taking care of due to specific issues that is required.  I am talking about not wanting to take responsibility for your own life and placing it on your children to take care of.  That is selfish.

    Families need boundaries on how to resolve conflict.  Parents should not bring their children, their parents, or close friends into their problems.  Couples need to learn how to communicate and resolve issues without bringing their drama into the world.  It will askew how the people closest to you see your spouse.  You will forgive, but they are less likely.  It will also leave your vulnerable to gossip.  

    Siblings need boundaries.  No sibling should have to take care of another sibling.  Help each other out in life, but do not take on the role of care taker unless it is health related.  Instead help each other break unhealthy family patterns and dynamics.  Lift each other up instead of pulling each other down.  

    Another family boundary is the one where your family tries to get between you and your relationship with God.  You may come to faith later in life and your family doesn't understand.  Be truthful and transparent about your salvation, but protect it too.  Do not allow anyone to try to push you further from God.  Break your strongholds that you may have inherited from your family.  Break patterns that lead you toward sin. 

Genesis 2:21-24, Exodus 20:1-17, Joshua 24:14-15, Proverbs 28:23-24, Matthew 5:23-24, 18:15-17, 23:8-12, 2 Corinthians 9:6-10, Galatians 4:1-7, Ephesians 4:25-27, 1 Timothy 5:3-4

Boundary Myth

 

    A myth is a fiction that looks true.  There are several myths tied in with boundaries.  If you want the truth in life, then you have to commit to investigate what sounds true, but without facts to support it.  Do not accept what people tell you as fact.  Find the roots for yourself.

    One myth is that boundaries are selfish.  That is the furthest thing from the truth.  Boundaries are an act of love, not control.  They enable you to care for people better.  You may have heard the airplane example.  You have to put on your own air mask before helping others or you may both never get oxygen.  Boundaries are a form of stewardship.  You are taking care of what God has given you in life.  

    Another myth is that boundaries are disobedient to God.  Boundaries are not an act of rebellion or disobedience.  The lack of them are because you are not willing to take personal care of the life God gave you.  God wants your heart.  How can you be fully committed to Him if you are living in fear of what other people may think of you.  Boundaries help you live a more honest and transparent life.  Boundaries are not wall, but a way to clarify your motives on how you live your life.

    The third myth is that boundaries will hurt you.  People may not like change. Some people may withdraw, but that may be because your change shows them that they need to change in an area.  Do not allow people to manipulate you into changing your boundaries.  Boundaries bring quality into your relationships.  Let those that are not willing to work with you go.

    The fourth myth is that boundaries will hurt other people. Boundaries are a form of defense.  They are meant to keep relationship safe.  If your boundaries hurt their feelings then it is their issue with change not you.  Some people may get angry, but it is because they are losing control over you.  Everyone is responsible for their own actions and attitudes.  You stating what you need from someone is a kindness.  If they are hurt by it, then that is on them.  Your supportive relationships will become stronger.  

    Myth five is that boundaries mean you are angry.  The truth should not be told in anger.  Setting limits is preemptive.  It should keep you from becoming angry or resentful.  If you get angry after the boundary has been established, then it means someone has not respected or honored your boundary.  Boundaries are invisible guards to protect you not anger you.  Once you are angry, then you have to work through it.  Try to reestablish more clear boundaries.  If that doesn't work, then you may need to sever the relationship.  Give yourself time to heal from the wounds that broken boundaries create.

    Myth six is that other people's boundaries injure you.  It is your responsibility to respect other people's boundaries if you want them to respect yours.  If you do adhere to boundaries, then it is their right to sever the relationship. That could hurt, but it is due to your lack of respect not their boundaries.  If you are rebellious, then you have to deal with the consequences.  

    Myth seven is that boundaries cause guilt.  If you feel obliged to people, then yes you may feel guilt.  The guilt comes from a misconstrued idea of what you are expected to tolerate.  It is not for wanting to set healthy boundaries.  Boundaries can be hard with family, work, or even church.  However without boundaries you will harbor resentment, anger, and burnout.  If someone loves you, then they will appreciate the boundaries.  Give them time to adapt and you time to become sturdy.

    Myth eight is that boundaries are wall.  Boundaries are not walls.  They do adapt as relationships adapt.  You own the boundaries, so you put them where they are needed.  If they are no longer needed, then they can disappear.  Boundaries create a safe place, so they need to be adaptable.  Do not chain yourself to them limiting healthy relationships.

Psalm 37:1-4, Proverbs 13:4, 30:21-23, Matthew 14:22-23, 19:16-22, Luke 6:24-26, John 13:31-35, 2 Corinthians 5:6-10, 9:6-10, 12:5-10, Ephesians 3:14-19, Philippians 2:12-13, 4:10-20

Boundary Laws

 

    God's design for boundaries create peace, unity, and a functioning society.  If people do not do it God's way, then they find themselves lost, confused, and hurt.  God's principles lead to understanding how to govern relationships and personal well-being.  Ignorance is a prison of a person's own making, but you can break from that prison whenever you want.

    The first law of boundaries is "sowing and reaping".  This boundary is what you put into life, you will get out of life.  You will not always get what you deserve.  There are people in your life that will interrupt your consequences, but it can be foolish. Boundaries forces a person to take personal responsibility for their actions.  God sent Jesus to step in and intervene, so you do not have to die in your sin.    It is a part of salvation.  You have to accept that you deserve death, but also believe and follow Jesus to escape what you deserve.

    The second law is taking responsibility.  Taking responsibility can be interpreted in a few ways: arrogance, self-denial, selfish or self-centered, or guilt ridden.  This law is about loving other people enough to recognize where they begin and end.  You take responsibility for your words, attitude, actions, and heart condition.  There are only problems when responsibility is confused.  You are commanded to love everyone.  That does not mean everyone will love you.  You can't expect non Christians to act the way Christians are called to act.

    Law three is power.  Who do you give power over your life to?  What do you do with the power that God has given you in life?  All power comes from God.  If you give your life over to Him, then He gives you the power of faith and effort.  If you do not, then you give power to Satan: addiction, evil, money, and more.  You need wisdom to know how to use this law in boundaries.  

    Law four is respect.  Do not focus on people respecting your boundaries.  That leads to fear and loss of self-control.  Instead focus on how to respect others.  Even if you do not understand a boundary, respect the person enough to honor it without judging.  You will earn the respect of other people and in return they should respect your boundaries.  Respecting others leads to self-respect too.  It frees you to love others the way God loves them.

    The fifth law is motivation.  Satan drives you to hate, fear, and anger.  Godly boundaries is motivated by love.  It results in humility, gratitude, peace driven attitude.  Exam your motives in life.  If they are fear driven, then you need to turn to prayer and make some changes in your life.

    The sixth law is evaluation.  It is knowing the difference between hurting and harming someone.  Sometimes you may have to hurt someone to free them, help them heal, or bring truth into their life.  It is short term and will bring forth wisdom if nothing else.  Harming someone is telling all truth with no filter or caring what the outcome will be.  Telling the truth without love can harm someone to the point that they do not easily recover.  How you tell the truth matter.

    Law seven is being proactive.  Everything you do in life causes an equal and opposite reaction.  Your actions should bring freedom.  Anger reveals immaturity and breaks relationships.  Proactive people act out of love revealing the hate of other people without ever needing to say a word.  Be known for what you love, not what you hate.

    Law eight is envy.  You need boundaries with yourself to not have envy.  These boundaries are over your emotions.  Look at how blessed you are with what you have.  If your really needed it, then God would give it to you.  Everyone's time table and life values are different.  Do not limit yourself by wishing you had what other people have.  It just causes you to focus on what you do not have and it is dangerous for your emotional health.  

    The ninth law is activity.  This is having initiative with your boundaries.  Good and healthy boundaries propels your life into action.  It will keep you from becoming complacent.  You lose in life when you are passive and inactive.  Being active seeks resolution, peace, and is persistent in goals.  

    The last law of boundaries is exposure.  Your boundaries define your relationships with other people by giving you the confidence of knowing who you are.  It is obvious to people where you stand, your morals, and your relationship with God.  You are able to communicate what you need in the relationships in confidence.  You just have to be honest with God and yourself.  

Proverbs 9:7-9, 19:19, 23:13-14, Matthew 7:1-14, John 15:9-17, Romans 7:4-6, Galatians 5:13-15, 6:7-10, Ephesians 4:25-27, Philippians 2:12-13, James 4:1-3, 1 John 1:8-10

Boundary Injuries

 

    Everyone has broken a boundary and has had boundaries ignored.  This can cause injury.  However, it is not always clear when the boundary is broken, stretch, or miscommunicated.  Sometimes injury occurs due to personality or just not getting along.  When you don't like someone, it takes more effort to respect boundaries.  Sin will always interfere with boundaries if you allow it.

    Good and mature relationships can still be hurt when boundaries are withdrawn.  It takes practice in dealing with disagreements.  It takes learning skills not to hurt people when you are angry.  Withdrawing is hurtful.  It is fine to walk away for a little while to calm down, but never go to bed angry or still withdrawn.  It only hurts the relationship more.

    When you allow anger to become a part of you, then hostility invades boundaries.  It is always painful.  Everyone has disagreements, disobey, and disrespectful habits.  These have to be broken.  You have to learn how to delay gratification to become a responsible and respectable adult.  You also have to look for the blessings because they may not be what you want, but what you need.  Do not allow impatience to lead you to cause boundary injuries.

    On the other hand, trying to control every aspect of life is just as dangerous.  When you try to control another person you may be unknowingly causing boundary injuries.  Don't be too strict or limiting another's life.  It will always cause resentment or worse.

    Lack of limits can cause boundary injuries.  This is allowing anything to try to keep the peace.  You have to risk an argument or two to have a voice.  God does not bless the pushover.  There is a difference between being a peacekeeper and a peace maker.  A peace maker knows that they have to say and back up hard truths for the greater good.  A peacekeeper will stay silent to avoid conflict.  There is a difference between being a push over and being meek. A push over has no boundaries and reveals weakness.  A meek person is strong because they have self-control, humility, gentleness, and know how to submit when it is time to submit.

    You need to be consistent with your boundaries.  When people are pushing back it can be hard because they wear you down.  You get tired and it is hard to stay firm, but if you don't then it makes things confusing.  It sends conflicting messages.  You have needs and you need to fight for them.  

    Trauma can mess with the head.  Trauma caused by another person can leave serious distrust issues in a person.  This is a major violation of boundaries.  Emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse (church leaders taking advantage of their position) will cause trauma.  Trauma can affect a person for the rest of their life.  God can heal anything, but there will always be scars.  Other trauma could be a debilitating illness, death of a loved one, divorce, or anything that causes intense pain.  It will affect your ability to develop boundaries.  It is your responsibility to work through them though.  Do not stay a victim your whole life.

Psalms 4:3-5, Isaiah 61:1-3, Matthew 25:14-30, Romans 3:23-26, 8:1-4, Ephesians 4:25-27, 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Hebrew 5:11-14, 12:10-11, & James 1:5-8

Foundation of Boundaries

 

        Everyone has a deep desire for connection on an emotional and spiritual level.  What some people don't know is that you can find that with God for eternity.  From there the Holy Spirit can lead you to people that will give that to you in life.  He wants you to have loving and meaningful relationships.  When He provides it, you need to set boundaries to be able to maintain the committed connection.

    God created people to need relationships, so that means boundaries are the foundation to healthy relationships.  The attachment to God is the foundation of your soul.  Your relationship with Jesus is what makes your foundation unbreakable.  If your boundaries are faulty or not enforced, then your relational foundation can crack and will not grow.  

    A broken foundation leads to conflict.  It allows insecurity, uncertainty, and other negative feelings into your heart.  That will lead to actions that will cause the relationship to break.  Sometimes breaks can be fixed and the foundation becomes stronger, but normally it means you lose a relationship or you remain a prisoner in an unhealthy relationship.

    Relationship are meant to give you security in life.  They should give you a sense of belonging, safety, and love.  They should keep you from feeling isolated.  Healthy relationships are unity with other people, but still able to keep your personal identity that comes from God at your creation.  You need to know who you are and who you are not.  You can be united in relationships and still hold your own values, thoughts, opinions, and feelings.  

    There is a struggle between unity and personal identity because unity is merging, but individualism is independence.  It starts with your relationship with God.  He created you to be your own person, but choosing to submit to Him.  You have free will, but you should never seek your independence from Him.  He will show you how you can be your own person while submitting Him by having the Holy Spirit living in your soul.  Learning that lesson from Him is vital to have a strong foundation of boundaries with other people, especially marriage.

Luke 2:41-52, Ephesians 3:14-19, Colossians 2:6-7, & 1 John 4:13-17

Functional Boundaries

 

    Some people have a hard time with the functionality of boundaries when it comes time to apply them to relationships.  Functional boundaries are the boundaries that you are able to commit to and achieve.  It could be a task, project, work, school, chores, or anything else that you are expected to do.  It requires action, self-discipline, initiative, and planning.  Relational boundaries are boundaries in relationships.  You have to be able to speak truth or it will not work.

    Boundaries do not come naturally for everyone.  It will take some practice to get used to it.  You will have victories and failures when you get started.  Don't give up.  You will develop healthy and strong boundaries in time.  It always starts as a small child with your parents and other family members.  If you parent's never developed boundaries, then you are more likely to struggle.  If your family set healthy boundaries, then you will benefit by knowing how to have them for yourself.

    The important thing is to learn where your boundaries start and finish.  Take ownership of what is yours.  They are not inherited.  They are personalized because every relationship is different.  You are not your parents.  You were created by God for a purpose, so allow God to direct your boundaries.  

    Be truthful with yourself and your people.  Take responsibility for your actions and choices.  Find the freedom to be yourself in boundaries.  Use boundaries to love others the way God loves them.  Learn your limits and talk with God about everything you can't control.  He has control and will take care of you.  Set goals for your relationships to help direct or focus your boundaries.  He will reveal your blind spots.

    Do not become complacent in your relationships.  People are always changing.  That means your relationships are always growing or moving further apart.  It takes work.  It takes adaptability to change some minor boundaries to keep the relationship strong.  Never budge on your core boundaries like the 10 commandment kind.  Those keep people safe, not just their hearts.  However you can budge on small boundaries.  For an example, I don't like people showing up unexpectedly at my house.  However, if my neighbor has an emergency and needs me, then I am not going to destroy the relationship because she didn't call first.  

Proverbs 22:6, Matthew 5:33-37, Luke 10:38-42, Romans 12:1-2, Galatians 1:10, 6:4-5, Ephesians 4:14-16, & 1 John 2:12-14

Understanding Boundaries

 

    Do you understand what boundaries are and how they work?  They are easily misunderstood.  Do you set clear or unclear boundaries?  The more clear you are the less problems you will have with people overstepping or not acknowledging your boundaries.  If you complain a lot, then it could be an indicator that you do not set clear boundaries.  

    If you don't understand how to set and enforce boundaries, then you may experience guilt when you try to say no or do things that are good for your emotional, mental, or spiritual health.  It may make you redirect too strongly into a critical, fearful, or confrontive person.  The over correction is unbiblical.  You have to understand the purpose of boundaries to keep you in line with God.

    Do not avoid boundaries.  You have needs to protect.  Do not pretend that you do not.  Ask for help when you need help.  If a person is unable to, then it is up to them to let you know.  Do not allow fear of being told no, inconvenience, or being a burden stop you for asking for what you need.  It could be a blessing for someone else to help you out.  At the same time you have to learn how to say no if you can't do it or you will be in trouble yourself.

    Do not try to use boundaries in a way to control people.  A controller does not respect other people's boundaries and it is a flaw.  Take care of your own life and allow other people to live their lives even if it is not the way you would like it to be.  Hijacking other people's lives makes you a bully.  No means no and you have to learn how to accept that.  

    The aggressive controls do not respect or acknowledge other people's boundaries and can become abusive to control people, but not always.  They try to make situations how they want it to.  They typically do not go to God until something happens.  The manipulative controller is less honest than the aggressive controller.  They try to convince people to break their own boundaries to get the outcome that they want through guilt, conniving, charism, and other lying personality traits.

    Nonresponsive people do not hear the boundaries that are given to them.  They are not paying attention or maybe think it doesn't apply to them.  They live their lives how they want without concerning themselves with many inconveniences in life.  They tend to come across incentive or critical.  Some people may call them narcist.  

    Everyone has problems.  Everyone suffers from not understanding other people's boundaries or problems in life.  The goal is to be aware of your blind spots.  Pray for God to reveal where you could be hurting another person(s) by not understanding boundaries.  Prayerfully work through issues you may have that keep you from tending to the boundaries people have given you or boundaries that you may need to proclaim.

Proverbs 3:27-28, 4:23, 30:20, Mark 8:31-33, Romans 12:17-18, 1 Corinthians 8:7-8, Philippians 2:3-4, & Revelations 3:20-22