Marriage Boundary Laws

 

    The law of boundaries works the same in marriages as all other relationships, but is applied a little differently.  The law of sowing and reaping is an example. Let's say you do something that causes negative consequences.  You are not the only one who will suffer.  Your spouse will suffer along with you or even sometimes more.  What you do directly affects your spouse.

    You should never intentionally do anything that would harm your spouse.  If you do mess up, then take responsibility.  Take as much of the consequences off of your partner as you can.  Do not let them suffer and bare the brunt of the consequences.

    The law of responsibility in marriage is exhibiting self-control.  Setting limits of what you will allow yourself to do to protect your spouse is an act of love.  It can be as simple as not going to bed until the dishes are washed or as serious to never cheat.  Binding yourself to the vow of marriage means that you will confront your evil, turn it over to God, and protect your spouse.  This can be difficult, but it is no longer just about you.

    The law of power in marriage is accepting that you can't change anyone.  It can release your from being domineering, a nag, or manipulative.  You learn to respect your spouse for who they are.  Let them make mistakes and deal with the consequences.  The only thing you can control is your behavior, response, and attitude.  Pray for your spouse about certain things that bother you, but do not try to change them.

    The law of evaluation is about how you confront your spouse.  You need boundaries on how to deal with conflict or you could hurt each other deeply.  Limiting yourself is an act of love.  Do not say or do things you will regret in anger.  Their pain becomes your pain.  Boundaries are about what you need.  If you need your marriage to be strong and healthy, then limit yourself from causing damage.  Having the last word is not worth causing harm to the one you love most.

    The law of exposure in marriage is being transparent with your boundaries.  Walls, manipulation, withdrawing, sulking, passive aggressive or aggressive behavior will not do.  This is destructive behavior for a marriage.  Verbalize your boundaries and then put them in writing if you need to, but make it clear what you need to be the best spouse you can be.  Be clear and unapologetic because it benefits them to comply.  

    In marriage you need to set boundaries on physical touch, how you use words, how you tell the truth, physical space, emotional space, time, other people, and anything else that would disturb your marriage.  Time is important because introverts need time alone.  You also need to be thorough with consequences.  For an example if you do not give an introvert their down time, then you will deal with an impatient, cranky, or worn down spouse.

    Boundaries also require listening and considering where your spouse is coming from.  You are not a doormat.  You are not a slave.  You are partners, but each partner is an individual person too.  If you are unwilling to submit to the needs of your spouse, then you are struggling with a control problem and need to work on that before you destroy your marriage.  Each of you deal with your individual issues, so that your marriage can grow and develop over the years to be more and more of what you want and need.

    Marriage requires balance.  That means that you need to work together in the boundaries.  The relationship needs to be equal.  You need to choose to put God first and then each other every day.  Change can be scary, but each of you will have to work at the marriage to make it work.  

    Identify your problems then set boundaries around them to be able to work through them.  Find the root of the problem to destroy.  Then take inventory of everything that is good about your spouse and what makes the marriage work.  Practice what you decide to work on together and reject anything that is not making your marriage stronger.  Forgive each other and be proactive with your boundaries, so you can love each other responsibly.  Marriage is risky, but it is worth it.

Proverbs 19:19-21, Matthew 18:15-20, 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, Galatians 6:7-10, Ephesians 4:25-27, 5:21-33, Hebrew 12:10-11, & James 2:10-26

Marriage Boundaries

 

    Marriage is one of the most beautiful things in life, but it is also the most complicated relationship you will have.  Boundaries need to be clear to avoid confusion going into marriage.  They will grow and evolve as the marriage grows and changes.  The point of of boundaries is to allow you to be you while in a relationship.  When you get married the two become one.  That means you have to agree on the boundaries and have them work for both of you.

    Marriage is meant to mirror your relationship with God.  You have duties.  Your spouse has duties.  Then God has His part in the marriage.  When working together there is harmony in the marriage.  When you or your spouse start doing things your own way, then problems will follow.  The boundaries become confusing when you want to be your own individual person versus the united couple you vowed to be.

    Feelings are individual and need boundaries.  You can't live on feels.  You need to live by faith.  Feelings will cause problems in the marriage if you do not learn communication skills.  You also have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  It is not easy to talk about intimate feelings.

    You need boundaries on desires.  You have to take responsibility for your desires and make them clear to your partner.  Your partner is not a mind reader.  They can't be what you need if you do not communicate it.  

    Marriage requires sacrifice.  You give into the marriage what you have.  If you do not give anything into the marriage, then your spouse will resent you eventually.  You need self-control to place limits on yourself.  It is also your responsibility to set boundaries on what you can give and what you need to keep for yourself.  Placing it on your spouse is unfair and will cause resentment.  Show love and respect by setting healthy boundaries with each other that will allow you to grow.

Proverbs 5:7-14, 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, 9:6-10, Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, Hebrews 13:4, & James 4:1-10

Boundaries with Friends

 

    Friendship is an intimate relationship where you find similarities, fondness, and mutual respect.  It is two people or a group that want to be around each other.  They choose each other to be a part of their lives, but like all relationships friendships need boundaries.

    Boundaries can resolve a number of issues in a friendship.  It starts with being honest with each other no matter how scary that may be.  The important thing is to focus on what brought you together and what you have in common instead of allowing little differences to tear you apart.  Not all friendships are forever, but they should not be abandoned over small issues either.  Set a boundary to work things out without complaining or gossiping about each other.

    There needs to be boundaries around conflict.  You are not always going to agree on every topic, but there is no reason to get aggressive about a disagreement.  Real friends will not try to intimidate each other into submission.  At the same time you should not feel like you have to beg a friend to do things with you or see things your way either.  This behavior only wounds friendships.

    True friends do not manipulate each other.  Using people or taking them for granted will damage or destroy friendships.  Some people will put up with it, but the friendship will never be super close.  Manipulations leads to resentment in the relationship.  When you catch a friend being aggressive or manipulative, then you need to set clear boundaries.  If it is a true friendship then friend will allow you to hold them accountable and genuinely repent.  The friendship can change.

    It is harder to maintain a close friendship with a person who is nonresponsive.  It feels like you are putting in all the work while the other is just along for the ride.  It can make you feel resentful and frustrated while your friend is clueless.  When you set boundaries you need to let the friend know that you need them to contribute toward the friendship.  If the unresponsive person does not begin to call, text, or initiate getting together, then you have your response and can move on.  If they do, then you saved a friendship.  

    Friendship is different from family because you choose to invest into each other, but you are not bound to each other.  That means that in some ways it takes more work to not break the relationship.  Real friendships are based on a mutual attachment not obligation.  Biblical friendships are built on the personal relationships with God.  It is love that holds you together not performance, abilities, guilt, or obligation.  

    Friendships can't be controlled.  The bonds of love are not easily broken.  Boundaries establish a strong foundation that strengthens the mutual affection and respect for each other.  They remove the fear of abandonment or rejection.  It makes it where conflict is a place where you can find a new way to respect each, hold each other accountable, and work through things.  

Proverbs 4:23, 10:17-21, 18:24, 27:17, Matthew 28:16-20, John 2:1-5, Romans 8:1-4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, Galatians 6:4-5, Ephesians 4:31-32, James 4:1-3, & 1 John 4:11-19

Boundaries with Family

 

    Establishing boundaries with family can be difficult, but it is absolutely necessary.  It may take work, but it will also bring reward.  Start with identifying the problems in your family.  Dissect them to find the root.  Decide what needs to change and come up with a plan of communication to initiate the change.  This is how you set boundaries with family.

    Where you have conflict in your family is where you need to set boundaries.  If there needs to be change, then you need to be the one that makes the change with yourself.  You tell your family what you need to support that change.  It is up to them to support you or not.  If they do not, then make it clear that there are certain things you can't be around.  If they still are not willing to comply with your boundary, then you may need to physically leave.

    Identify what drives the conflict in your family.  What pushes your buttons?  What causes you to act out of character?  That is what you need to work on with yourself.  People in your family know how to push your buttons more than anyone else.  Face what your family is not able to give you.  People can't be everything for other people.  God designed it that way, so that you can see how much you need Him to be complete.  Accept the love that your family is able to give and ask God to fill the holes that are left in your heart.

    Setting boundaries takes loving who you are because God made you.  It also requires humility.  Set up a support system of people who love you for who you are.  They will tell you when you are acting out and help you stay grounded.  If your family can't be that for you, then find people that can.  

    Boundary setting is a skill that has to be learned.  You need to be patient and flexible when you first start setting them with family.  Make sure that your boundaries honor God and are not a way to fix the family dynamic to be what you want it to be.  Boundaries require respect and do best when made in love.  Start small with your family and move up to the bigger issues unless it is serious and there is no time.

    Boundaries require you to be able to say no.  Practice using the word no in safe settings until it gets comfortable.  Then you will be ready in the hurtful situations like abuse, controlling, or pushing your moral compass.  Sometimes that means you may have to cut a family member out of your life until you are ready to face them again.  It is okay to bring a friend to support you when you have been hurt and the family member doesn't acknowledge that they hurt you.  Everyone all need loving support in life.

    The hard part can be forgiving the family member(s) that hurt you.  It is necessary, but it is not easy.  Forgiveness means that even if they never respect your boundaries, you don't need anything else from that person.  You are freeing yourself from their control over your emotions and mental state.  Pray for the family member(s) that hurt you.  It will free your spirit from any hate or resentment.  Ask God to teach you how to forgive in that situation.  Ask Him to heal your hurts and end your suffering.  Give them over to God to deal with and free yourself from the desire for vengeance or repayment.

    When the family member(s) don't understand the change in your and start attacking do not react.  Respond with control.  You have made choices for your life, so do yourself justice and stick to them.  Do not allow other people to have control over you.  If they are pushing your buttons, then walk away until you can speak and act calmly.  If they keep pushing, then they are violating your boundaries.  It is okay to walk away.  

    Boundaries allow you to love freely, not out of guilt.  The freedom to love means that you can be true to yourself, God, and them.  Even if they never get out of their bondage, you can be free to love them for who they are.  Loving someone does not mean you allow them to talk or treat you any way they want.  It means you can be honest and loving, but do what you need to do to take care of yourself at the same time.  It is a choice.  Make the choice before you enter the situation. 

Proverbs 13:12-15, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Matthew 7:1-6, 18:21-35, John 13:31-35, & 2 Corinthians 6:11-13

Family Boundaries

 

    Boundaries are a gift for healthy and thriving relationships.  However, when it comes to family it can be difficult to enforce.  Some family may think that the boundaries don't apply to them.  Maybe they just don't care because you are family, so you won't break ties.  Some may feel entitled to direct your life for your entire life.  No reason is good.  You may have to fight harder for your boundaries with family or make harder decisions on how to handle them.

    Do not allow your parent guilt you into things when you are an adult.  It may interfere with the family you are establishing for yourself.  Your parents may have the best intentions and are acting in love, but they are not God.  They maybe not understand the path that God put you on.  It is up to you to not allow them to deter you from that path.  No one else can do for you.

    You are a part of a family, but you are your own separate person too.  That is okay.  That is good.  God has given you the freedom to make your own choices in life without someone else taking over.  If you take ownership of your life, then you will not feel guilty for not living it to other people's standards.  Taking wise counsel is one thing, but allowing someone to direct your life is another.  Act in love not guilt.

    If your family never established boundaries, then it can be difficult to do so as an adult.  It will also be harder for your family to respect your boundaries.  It can lead to co-dependance, domination, insecurity, and other issues.  If you don't establish boundaries with your family, then they will interfere with your other relationships.

    If you don't set clear boundaries with your family, then your spouse could feel less important to you than they should.  Your spouse should know that they come first in priority of relationship (other than God).  You should be able to have your own family without losing the closeness of your childhood family.  If you can't have both, then you need to choose your spouse.

    Parents need to set boundaries with children, so that they get used to hearing the word no.  It is unkind to send them into the world expecting everyone to do things their way.  They need to learn self-discipline and that starts with the parent's healthy discipline.  Give your children the ability to be self-sufficient as an adult.  Teach them how to handle hard situations and difficult relationships.  Children need to find a way not to rely on their parents for their entire life.

    At the same time parents need to grow up.  Do not be the parent that the children have to take care of.  It is a burden that they are too young to handle.  Allow them to be kids.  It is only a small window of time.  Even when your children are adults do not force them to handle your problems.  There is helping and taking care of due to specific issues that is required.  I am talking about not wanting to take responsibility for your own life and placing it on your children to take care of.  That is selfish.

    Families need boundaries on how to resolve conflict.  Parents should not bring their children, their parents, or close friends into their problems.  Couples need to learn how to communicate and resolve issues without bringing their drama into the world.  It will askew how the people closest to you see your spouse.  You will forgive, but they are less likely.  It will also leave your vulnerable to gossip.  

    Siblings need boundaries.  No sibling should have to take care of another sibling.  Help each other out in life, but do not take on the role of care taker unless it is health related.  Instead help each other break unhealthy family patterns and dynamics.  Lift each other up instead of pulling each other down.  

    Another family boundary is the one where your family tries to get between you and your relationship with God.  You may come to faith later in life and your family doesn't understand.  Be truthful and transparent about your salvation, but protect it too.  Do not allow anyone to try to push you further from God.  Break your strongholds that you may have inherited from your family.  Break patterns that lead you toward sin. 

Genesis 2:21-24, Exodus 20:1-17, Joshua 24:14-15, Proverbs 28:23-24, Matthew 5:23-24, 18:15-17, 23:8-12, 2 Corinthians 9:6-10, Galatians 4:1-7, Ephesians 4:25-27, 1 Timothy 5:3-4

Boundary Myth

 

    A myth is a fiction that looks true.  There are several myths tied in with boundaries.  If you want the truth in life, then you have to commit to investigate what sounds true, but without facts to support it.  Do not accept what people tell you as fact.  Find the roots for yourself.

    One myth is that boundaries are selfish.  That is the furthest thing from the truth.  Boundaries are an act of love, not control.  They enable you to care for people better.  You may have heard the airplane example.  You have to put on your own air mask before helping others or you may both never get oxygen.  Boundaries are a form of stewardship.  You are taking care of what God has given you in life.  

    Another myth is that boundaries are disobedient to God.  Boundaries are not an act of rebellion or disobedience.  The lack of them are because you are not willing to take personal care of the life God gave you.  God wants your heart.  How can you be fully committed to Him if you are living in fear of what other people may think of you.  Boundaries help you live a more honest and transparent life.  Boundaries are not wall, but a way to clarify your motives on how you live your life.

    The third myth is that boundaries will hurt you.  People may not like change. Some people may withdraw, but that may be because your change shows them that they need to change in an area.  Do not allow people to manipulate you into changing your boundaries.  Boundaries bring quality into your relationships.  Let those that are not willing to work with you go.

    The fourth myth is that boundaries will hurt other people. Boundaries are a form of defense.  They are meant to keep relationship safe.  If your boundaries hurt their feelings then it is their issue with change not you.  Some people may get angry, but it is because they are losing control over you.  Everyone is responsible for their own actions and attitudes.  You stating what you need from someone is a kindness.  If they are hurt by it, then that is on them.  Your supportive relationships will become stronger.  

    Myth five is that boundaries mean you are angry.  The truth should not be told in anger.  Setting limits is preemptive.  It should keep you from becoming angry or resentful.  If you get angry after the boundary has been established, then it means someone has not respected or honored your boundary.  Boundaries are invisible guards to protect you not anger you.  Once you are angry, then you have to work through it.  Try to reestablish more clear boundaries.  If that doesn't work, then you may need to sever the relationship.  Give yourself time to heal from the wounds that broken boundaries create.

    Myth six is that other people's boundaries injure you.  It is your responsibility to respect other people's boundaries if you want them to respect yours.  If you do adhere to boundaries, then it is their right to sever the relationship. That could hurt, but it is due to your lack of respect not their boundaries.  If you are rebellious, then you have to deal with the consequences.  

    Myth seven is that boundaries cause guilt.  If you feel obliged to people, then yes you may feel guilt.  The guilt comes from a misconstrued idea of what you are expected to tolerate.  It is not for wanting to set healthy boundaries.  Boundaries can be hard with family, work, or even church.  However without boundaries you will harbor resentment, anger, and burnout.  If someone loves you, then they will appreciate the boundaries.  Give them time to adapt and you time to become sturdy.

    Myth eight is that boundaries are wall.  Boundaries are not walls.  They do adapt as relationships adapt.  You own the boundaries, so you put them where they are needed.  If they are no longer needed, then they can disappear.  Boundaries create a safe place, so they need to be adaptable.  Do not chain yourself to them limiting healthy relationships.

Psalm 37:1-4, Proverbs 13:4, 30:21-23, Matthew 14:22-23, 19:16-22, Luke 6:24-26, John 13:31-35, 2 Corinthians 5:6-10, 9:6-10, 12:5-10, Ephesians 3:14-19, Philippians 2:12-13, 4:10-20

Boundary Laws

 

    God's design for boundaries create peace, unity, and a functioning society.  If people do not do it God's way, then they find themselves lost, confused, and hurt.  God's principles lead to understanding how to govern relationships and personal well-being.  Ignorance is a prison of a person's own making, but you can break from that prison whenever you want.

    The first law of boundaries is "sowing and reaping".  This boundary is what you put into life, you will get out of life.  You will not always get what you deserve.  There are people in your life that will interrupt your consequences, but it can be foolish. Boundaries forces a person to take personal responsibility for their actions.  God sent Jesus to step in and intervene, so you do not have to die in your sin.    It is a part of salvation.  You have to accept that you deserve death, but also believe and follow Jesus to escape what you deserve.

    The second law is taking responsibility.  Taking responsibility can be interpreted in a few ways: arrogance, self-denial, selfish or self-centered, or guilt ridden.  This law is about loving other people enough to recognize where they begin and end.  You take responsibility for your words, attitude, actions, and heart condition.  There are only problems when responsibility is confused.  You are commanded to love everyone.  That does not mean everyone will love you.  You can't expect non Christians to act the way Christians are called to act.

    Law three is power.  Who do you give power over your life to?  What do you do with the power that God has given you in life?  All power comes from God.  If you give your life over to Him, then He gives you the power of faith and effort.  If you do not, then you give power to Satan: addiction, evil, money, and more.  You need wisdom to know how to use this law in boundaries.  

    Law four is respect.  Do not focus on people respecting your boundaries.  That leads to fear and loss of self-control.  Instead focus on how to respect others.  Even if you do not understand a boundary, respect the person enough to honor it without judging.  You will earn the respect of other people and in return they should respect your boundaries.  Respecting others leads to self-respect too.  It frees you to love others the way God loves them.

    The fifth law is motivation.  Satan drives you to hate, fear, and anger.  Godly boundaries is motivated by love.  It results in humility, gratitude, peace driven attitude.  Exam your motives in life.  If they are fear driven, then you need to turn to prayer and make some changes in your life.

    The sixth law is evaluation.  It is knowing the difference between hurting and harming someone.  Sometimes you may have to hurt someone to free them, help them heal, or bring truth into their life.  It is short term and will bring forth wisdom if nothing else.  Harming someone is telling all truth with no filter or caring what the outcome will be.  Telling the truth without love can harm someone to the point that they do not easily recover.  How you tell the truth matter.

    Law seven is being proactive.  Everything you do in life causes an equal and opposite reaction.  Your actions should bring freedom.  Anger reveals immaturity and breaks relationships.  Proactive people act out of love revealing the hate of other people without ever needing to say a word.  Be known for what you love, not what you hate.

    Law eight is envy.  You need boundaries with yourself to not have envy.  These boundaries are over your emotions.  Look at how blessed you are with what you have.  If your really needed it, then God would give it to you.  Everyone's time table and life values are different.  Do not limit yourself by wishing you had what other people have.  It just causes you to focus on what you do not have and it is dangerous for your emotional health.  

    The ninth law is activity.  This is having initiative with your boundaries.  Good and healthy boundaries propels your life into action.  It will keep you from becoming complacent.  You lose in life when you are passive and inactive.  Being active seeks resolution, peace, and is persistent in goals.  

    The last law of boundaries is exposure.  Your boundaries define your relationships with other people by giving you the confidence of knowing who you are.  It is obvious to people where you stand, your morals, and your relationship with God.  You are able to communicate what you need in the relationships in confidence.  You just have to be honest with God and yourself.  

Proverbs 9:7-9, 19:19, 23:13-14, Matthew 7:1-14, John 15:9-17, Romans 7:4-6, Galatians 5:13-15, 6:7-10, Ephesians 4:25-27, Philippians 2:12-13, James 4:1-3, 1 John 1:8-10