Boundaries with Family

 

    Establishing boundaries with family can be difficult, but it is absolutely necessary.  It may take work, but it will also bring reward.  Start with identifying the problems in your family.  Dissect them to find the root.  Decide what needs to change and come up with a plan of communication to initiate the change.  This is how you set boundaries with family.

    Where you have conflict in your family is where you need to set boundaries.  If there needs to be change, then you need to be the one that makes the change with yourself.  You tell your family what you need to support that change.  It is up to them to support you or not.  If they do not, then make it clear that there are certain things you can't be around.  If they still are not willing to comply with your boundary, then you may need to physically leave.

    Identify what drives the conflict in your family.  What pushes your buttons?  What causes you to act out of character?  That is what you need to work on with yourself.  People in your family know how to push your buttons more than anyone else.  Face what your family is not able to give you.  People can't be everything for other people.  God designed it that way, so that you can see how much you need Him to be complete.  Accept the love that your family is able to give and ask God to fill the holes that are left in your heart.

    Setting boundaries takes loving who you are because God made you.  It also requires humility.  Set up a support system of people who love you for who you are.  They will tell you when you are acting out and help you stay grounded.  If your family can't be that for you, then find people that can.  

    Boundary setting is a skill that has to be learned.  You need to be patient and flexible when you first start setting them with family.  Make sure that your boundaries honor God and are not a way to fix the family dynamic to be what you want it to be.  Boundaries require respect and do best when made in love.  Start small with your family and move up to the bigger issues unless it is serious and there is no time.

    Boundaries require you to be able to say no.  Practice using the word no in safe settings until it gets comfortable.  Then you will be ready in the hurtful situations like abuse, controlling, or pushing your moral compass.  Sometimes that means you may have to cut a family member out of your life until you are ready to face them again.  It is okay to bring a friend to support you when you have been hurt and the family member doesn't acknowledge that they hurt you.  Everyone all need loving support in life.

    The hard part can be forgiving the family member(s) that hurt you.  It is necessary, but it is not easy.  Forgiveness means that even if they never respect your boundaries, you don't need anything else from that person.  You are freeing yourself from their control over your emotions and mental state.  Pray for the family member(s) that hurt you.  It will free your spirit from any hate or resentment.  Ask God to teach you how to forgive in that situation.  Ask Him to heal your hurts and end your suffering.  Give them over to God to deal with and free yourself from the desire for vengeance or repayment.

    When the family member(s) don't understand the change in your and start attacking do not react.  Respond with control.  You have made choices for your life, so do yourself justice and stick to them.  Do not allow other people to have control over you.  If they are pushing your buttons, then walk away until you can speak and act calmly.  If they keep pushing, then they are violating your boundaries.  It is okay to walk away.  

    Boundaries allow you to love freely, not out of guilt.  The freedom to love means that you can be true to yourself, God, and them.  Even if they never get out of their bondage, you can be free to love them for who they are.  Loving someone does not mean you allow them to talk or treat you any way they want.  It means you can be honest and loving, but do what you need to do to take care of yourself at the same time.  It is a choice.  Make the choice before you enter the situation. 

Proverbs 13:12-15, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Matthew 7:1-6, 18:21-35, John 13:31-35, & 2 Corinthians 6:11-13