Boundaries with Yourself

 

    To be able to set good boundaries in your life you need to be able to look at yourself, your choices, and thought process.  You have to take personal responsibility over how your life has turned out so far.  Decide what you need change to make it look like the life you want.  It all starts with the internal conflict and setting boundaries for yourself.

    Take a humble look at yourself.  Are you able to admit when you were wrong?  Are you strong enough to make internal changes to get the life you want?  Can you set boundaries for your own actions and attitude?  You need personalized boundaries on your diet, money, time, activities, words, substances, sexuality, and more.

    One word you need to learn how to use often is "no".  No can be a complete sentence for other people, but it is necessary for you to have boundaries for yourself.  If your life feels like it is out of control, then the next time someone needs something from you say no.  Simplify your life until you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  You can't solve a problem until you are able to identify it, so give yourself what you need to identify your problems.

    You are your own worst enemy.  You need to learn how to love yourself the way God loves you.  Placing limits on yourself is a way to draw closer to God.  This takes being intentional and proactive.  If you know something will not be good for you, then say no.  Do not allow outside forces to push you into something that will not benefit anyone in the long run.  Instead surround yourself with people that will love you the way God loves you and give you wise counsel.

    Will power is not boundaries.  Will power will only get you so far.  Setting boundaries and learning self-discipline will push your further than will power.  Maturing in boundaries is not easy.  The only reason to persevere is to desire God's will over your life and establish healthy relationships.  

    You identify where you have boundary problems through identifying what causes your depression, anxiety, panic, phobias, anger, relationship issues, work problems, phycological issues, OCD, and other isolating issues.  Find the roots and start digging them out.  Burn them so they can never take root in your mind or heart again.  You have to understand where you contribute toward your issues to understand how they become sin to be able to destroy them completely.

    You need to be able to trust God, feel safe, rely on His grace, and allow the Holy Spirit to fuel you to really understand to make boundaries work in your personal life.  Identify the problem,  You have real needs, you fail, you accept feedback, deal with consequences, and become restored to make stronger boundaries.  

    You may have been a victim, but that does not mean you get to stay a victim.  Hurt people hurt other people.  If you stay the victim, then that means you are only hurting the people around you.  You make them the villain or responsible for you.  Neither are healthy.  Take ownership on how to heal and set firm boundaries to have control over your heart and mind.  Boundaries will help you heal.  You may just need a little professional help to get you to a certain point of healing and able to see things more clearly.  

Genesis 3:1-10, Proverbs 10:17-19, 17:27-28, 21:5-8, Matthew 12:33-37, Luke 11:24-26, John 15:1-8, Romans 7:14-20, 1 Corinthians 3:16-17, Ephesians 5:6-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, James 5:16-18, & 1 John 4:18-19

Work Boundaries

 

    When you do not have boundaries wat work you will have problems.  Boundaries are stating what you need and what will happen if people do not respect what you need.  You need to be clear and concise without being threatening.  

    Lets say you are forced to work with someone that you don't like or will not pull their wright.  How do you set boundaries to rectify the problem?  Start with prayerfully looking at them the way God sees them.  Actively look for a common point to make working together easier.  Then vocalize how you need them to do their part.  If they do not, then let them know that you will be forced to tell management the truth when asked about participation.

    Helping each other is Christian, but being a door mat for everyone to whip their feet on is not.  You can live sacrificially without being bullied, used, or abused.  You are responsible for taking care of your worth as a beloved creation of God.  That means you have to set limits on how much access people have to you or from you.  

    You need to set boundaries on overtime.  What good are you if you burn out.  Your employers don't care that much about loyalty.  They will replace you in a heart beat, so take care of yourself.  If you are overloaded, then let them know you need help.  Do not be a victim when you can vocalize what you need from your employer.  They have let you know what they need from you, so do the same with them.  

    Place boundaries on your priorities.  This will limit you from over extending yourself and your work will be at a higher standard.  If you do not prioritize, then you will multitask.  Multitasking may be seen as a good thing, but it actually drains you and kills your peace of mind.  You are scattered and your work will suffer because you lack the ability to finish completely, thoroughly, or mixing up projects.

    You will always have people that you would rather not work with.  It is a part of life, but God put them in your life for a reason.  Difficult co-workers will reveal areas that you need to work on spiritually.  At the same time, you need to set boundaries for yourself that apply to them and for them.  Focus on your response to them, not giving them your focus.  Work with the Holy Spirit where they do not affect you or your work.  You are responsible for your reactions.

    You need boundaries at work for your attitude.  You do not want to be critical, so set boundaries that will give your mind peace.  For an example do not allow others at work compare you to anyone else.  It will only lead to bitterness or arrogance.  Each person has their own merit and value.  Focus on yours and no one else standards.  

    Sometimes your problems at work is your leadership.  That is a difficult place to be.  When you feel unseen, unheard, or disrespected it is hard to be positive and work hard.  It will produce strong feelings if you allow your focus stay on your hurt feelings.  Confront them if you are able to, but if it is not a situation where you can call it out, then pray.  God will fix it or lead you in how to change things.  

    Work is where you go to make a money to survive.  Work is not meant to be your life.  Set boundaries on how much you are willing to give of yourself to a place that will replace you in less than a week if you were to disappear.  Find a work life balance.  You will never find peace if your work becomes your whole life.  Even if you have friends at work, then will not risk their livelihood to be there for you.  

    Another boundary is leaving work at work.  Do not allow your mind to think about work when you are at home.  Do not allow work to invade your personal space.  This one is hard because when you have a high stress job it is hard to leave it at work and you may have leadership pressuring you to work off the clock too.  This will destroy your emotional and sometimes physical health.  

    Sometimes you find that God put you in a job that you dislike.  How do you handle that with boundaries?  Pray over it.  God may change your perspective or things at work.  Maybe He is pushing you to discover what you really want and need from work.  Be realistic and set boundaries based on who you are and your self-worth.  Learn what you can and carry it forward in life.

    To find joy in work requires taking risk.  You need to know who you are, your skills, your abilities, and what brings you joy in life.  Take what you know and ask God to reveal the rest.  Take ownership over your feelings, emotions, and moods.  Work on controlling your thoughts and words.  Then step out in the direction that God leads you.  Walking in faith will allow you to see His glory in every aspect of your work and personal life.  

Exodus 18:13-27, Proverbs 9:7-9, Micah 6:6-8, Matthew 10:11-15, Luke 13:6-9, & Galatians 1:10

Purpose for Work Boundaries

 

    God always intended His people to work, but the amount of labor was different before the fall.  Work was t ogive people purpose and see value in life.  After sin entered the world it become a burden to find the balance between hard work and enjoying life.  

    God's design for work was for people to rule over the world together taking care of His creation.  People somehow have turned work into a god where it rules lives and controls every aspect of people's lives.  If you do not keep your focus on God and who He is, then it is easy to allow work to push you further away from Him instead of it being a place He put you to serve Him.

    Boundaries can help you keep God in the center of your life.  It will also help prevent and deal with current issues at work, so you can have a happier balanced life.  No work is secular.  God put you where you are for His purpose.  It is not always clear, but it is also going to benefit you some how.  You have gifts and talents.  Find a way to use them at work to make any situation better.

    To have healthy work boundaries, you need a God based work ethic.  It removes the "it just business" mentality into acts of love mentality.  Work is the primary place to develop your character as an adult.  It can help you grow spiritually.  It is an environment where you have very little control on who you are around all day, but you have to make it work.  Setting boundaries for yourself, co-workers, and leaders will help you navigate that environment.

Genesis 1:27-28, 3:17-19, Romans 4:13-15, 5:20-21, 7:4-6, & Colossians 3:22-25

Boundaries for Children

 

    Family is the most important thing you can have in life.  If you are blessed with children, then you also hold a great responsibility.  Children need boundaries.  In every stage of their childhood they will challenge the boundaries in different ways, but they need to understand the word no.  Boundaries prepare them for the real world and there is no better gift than that.

    Boundaries help shape a child's values, school socialization, friend selection, who they will marry, and even their career.  God wanted us all to have family and children are a part of that.  Not everyone will have children and that is okay.  There is nothing wrong with you not having children, but they were part of God's original design for the family.  You see how He set boundaries with His people when you look at the Israelite nation.  They were rebellious and God handled the situation every time.  He did not allow bad behavior (aka heart conditions) to rule His people.

     The job of being a parent should bring you joy.  You can learn how to be a good parent even if you never had an example in God's Word.  A good parent helps their children grow up and mature to become responsible adults.  Boundaries teach your children on how to form strong attachments, bonds, and an understanding of who they are.  Boundaries teach children how to respect people.  The younger the child is when they get boundaries, the easier it is for them to be healthy and responsible adults that hold personal boundaries.

    Raising children is not easy.  There is no set way on how to do it because they are individual human beings like yourself.  That is why it is wise to take guidance from responsible adults in your life like grandparents, women in your church, or other people that bring strength into your life.  

    Boundaries teach responsibility, how to set limits, how to delay gratification, and makes growing up a smoother process for the whole family.  However, boundaries have to be age appropriate.  A toddler may need a time out or a spanking.  A teenage may need to have their phone taken away.  Boundaries should teach children consequences for their bad behavior.

    Boundaries are teaching children what is acceptable and what is not.  It takes trial and error, but the important things is not to give up on your children.  God never gives up on you or them.  Provide structure and teach them how to uphold it as they get older.  The best gift you will give your children is self-discipline.  

    Don't focus on the past.  Instead give your child room to figure out what they did wrong and a chance to change.  Look forward on how lessons can best impact your children and guide them not to make the same mistakes over and over.  Discipline comes from loving your children, not anger.  Make room for your children to make mistakes without fear, so they can learn to think for themselves, but have enough structure that they understand what they did was wrong and why.  You will learn wisdom and patience through the process.

    Children need boundaries to self-protect, learn responsibility, have self-control, freedom to choose, learn the value of waiting for something better in the future, and respecting limits of other people.  Each stage in life the boundaries will mature and their values will too.  This will be challenging for you as the parent, but the reward will be having children you can respect and be proud to be your children.  

Proverbs 22:6, Matthew 28:16-20, John 17:20-21, Acts 1:7-8, Romans 11:11-12, 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, Galatians 6:7-10, Ephesians 2:19-22, 1 Timothy 3:14-16, & 1 John 4:7-8

Marriage Boundary Laws

 

    The law of boundaries works the same in marriages as all other relationships, but is applied a little differently.  The law of sowing and reaping is an example. Let's say you do something that causes negative consequences.  You are not the only one who will suffer.  Your spouse will suffer along with you or even sometimes more.  What you do directly affects your spouse.

    You should never intentionally do anything that would harm your spouse.  If you do mess up, then take responsibility.  Take as much of the consequences off of your partner as you can.  Do not let them suffer and bare the brunt of the consequences.

    The law of responsibility in marriage is exhibiting self-control.  Setting limits of what you will allow yourself to do to protect your spouse is an act of love.  It can be as simple as not going to bed until the dishes are washed or as serious to never cheat.  Binding yourself to the vow of marriage means that you will confront your evil, turn it over to God, and protect your spouse.  This can be difficult, but it is no longer just about you.

    The law of power in marriage is accepting that you can't change anyone.  It can release your from being domineering, a nag, or manipulative.  You learn to respect your spouse for who they are.  Let them make mistakes and deal with the consequences.  The only thing you can control is your behavior, response, and attitude.  Pray for your spouse about certain things that bother you, but do not try to change them.

    The law of evaluation is about how you confront your spouse.  You need boundaries on how to deal with conflict or you could hurt each other deeply.  Limiting yourself is an act of love.  Do not say or do things you will regret in anger.  Their pain becomes your pain.  Boundaries are about what you need.  If you need your marriage to be strong and healthy, then limit yourself from causing damage.  Having the last word is not worth causing harm to the one you love most.

    The law of exposure in marriage is being transparent with your boundaries.  Walls, manipulation, withdrawing, sulking, passive aggressive or aggressive behavior will not do.  This is destructive behavior for a marriage.  Verbalize your boundaries and then put them in writing if you need to, but make it clear what you need to be the best spouse you can be.  Be clear and unapologetic because it benefits them to comply.  

    In marriage you need to set boundaries on physical touch, how you use words, how you tell the truth, physical space, emotional space, time, other people, and anything else that would disturb your marriage.  Time is important because introverts need time alone.  You also need to be thorough with consequences.  For an example if you do not give an introvert their down time, then you will deal with an impatient, cranky, or worn down spouse.

    Boundaries also require listening and considering where your spouse is coming from.  You are not a doormat.  You are not a slave.  You are partners, but each partner is an individual person too.  If you are unwilling to submit to the needs of your spouse, then you are struggling with a control problem and need to work on that before you destroy your marriage.  Each of you deal with your individual issues, so that your marriage can grow and develop over the years to be more and more of what you want and need.

    Marriage requires balance.  That means that you need to work together in the boundaries.  The relationship needs to be equal.  You need to choose to put God first and then each other every day.  Change can be scary, but each of you will have to work at the marriage to make it work.  

    Identify your problems then set boundaries around them to be able to work through them.  Find the root of the problem to destroy.  Then take inventory of everything that is good about your spouse and what makes the marriage work.  Practice what you decide to work on together and reject anything that is not making your marriage stronger.  Forgive each other and be proactive with your boundaries, so you can love each other responsibly.  Marriage is risky, but it is worth it.

Proverbs 19:19-21, Matthew 18:15-20, 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, Galatians 6:7-10, Ephesians 4:25-27, 5:21-33, Hebrew 12:10-11, & James 2:10-26

Marriage Boundaries

 

    Marriage is one of the most beautiful things in life, but it is also the most complicated relationship you will have.  Boundaries need to be clear to avoid confusion going into marriage.  They will grow and evolve as the marriage grows and changes.  The point of of boundaries is to allow you to be you while in a relationship.  When you get married the two become one.  That means you have to agree on the boundaries and have them work for both of you.

    Marriage is meant to mirror your relationship with God.  You have duties.  Your spouse has duties.  Then God has His part in the marriage.  When working together there is harmony in the marriage.  When you or your spouse start doing things your own way, then problems will follow.  The boundaries become confusing when you want to be your own individual person versus the united couple you vowed to be.

    Feelings are individual and need boundaries.  You can't live on feels.  You need to live by faith.  Feelings will cause problems in the marriage if you do not learn communication skills.  You also have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  It is not easy to talk about intimate feelings.

    You need boundaries on desires.  You have to take responsibility for your desires and make them clear to your partner.  Your partner is not a mind reader.  They can't be what you need if you do not communicate it.  

    Marriage requires sacrifice.  You give into the marriage what you have.  If you do not give anything into the marriage, then your spouse will resent you eventually.  You need self-control to place limits on yourself.  It is also your responsibility to set boundaries on what you can give and what you need to keep for yourself.  Placing it on your spouse is unfair and will cause resentment.  Show love and respect by setting healthy boundaries with each other that will allow you to grow.

Proverbs 5:7-14, 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, 9:6-10, Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, Hebrews 13:4, & James 4:1-10

Boundaries with Friends

 

    Friendship is an intimate relationship where you find similarities, fondness, and mutual respect.  It is two people or a group that want to be around each other.  They choose each other to be a part of their lives, but like all relationships friendships need boundaries.

    Boundaries can resolve a number of issues in a friendship.  It starts with being honest with each other no matter how scary that may be.  The important thing is to focus on what brought you together and what you have in common instead of allowing little differences to tear you apart.  Not all friendships are forever, but they should not be abandoned over small issues either.  Set a boundary to work things out without complaining or gossiping about each other.

    There needs to be boundaries around conflict.  You are not always going to agree on every topic, but there is no reason to get aggressive about a disagreement.  Real friends will not try to intimidate each other into submission.  At the same time you should not feel like you have to beg a friend to do things with you or see things your way either.  This behavior only wounds friendships.

    True friends do not manipulate each other.  Using people or taking them for granted will damage or destroy friendships.  Some people will put up with it, but the friendship will never be super close.  Manipulations leads to resentment in the relationship.  When you catch a friend being aggressive or manipulative, then you need to set clear boundaries.  If it is a true friendship then friend will allow you to hold them accountable and genuinely repent.  The friendship can change.

    It is harder to maintain a close friendship with a person who is nonresponsive.  It feels like you are putting in all the work while the other is just along for the ride.  It can make you feel resentful and frustrated while your friend is clueless.  When you set boundaries you need to let the friend know that you need them to contribute toward the friendship.  If the unresponsive person does not begin to call, text, or initiate getting together, then you have your response and can move on.  If they do, then you saved a friendship.  

    Friendship is different from family because you choose to invest into each other, but you are not bound to each other.  That means that in some ways it takes more work to not break the relationship.  Real friendships are based on a mutual attachment not obligation.  Biblical friendships are built on the personal relationships with God.  It is love that holds you together not performance, abilities, guilt, or obligation.  

    Friendships can't be controlled.  The bonds of love are not easily broken.  Boundaries establish a strong foundation that strengthens the mutual affection and respect for each other.  They remove the fear of abandonment or rejection.  It makes it where conflict is a place where you can find a new way to respect each, hold each other accountable, and work through things.  

Proverbs 4:23, 10:17-21, 18:24, 27:17, Matthew 28:16-20, John 2:1-5, Romans 8:1-4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, Galatians 6:4-5, Ephesians 4:31-32, James 4:1-3, & 1 John 4:11-19